Digging in for the nature of complexity

The following is meant to offend a few whom I didn't mean to find reading this.
Yet another serene mood.
This is a mere collection of different thoughts not meant to mean anything. So please stop here if you would like to carry on with what you were doing earlier.
I wanted to fight the enneagram, the moment I saw it. I fought and will keep fighting. Somehow I feel the enneagram undermines my individuality. The moment I saw the diagram, something struck me. It’s awfully right. Then with all the things happening around me I could realise the process.
I was in a college. Don’t know. I love it but with scant respect. Why, it has alienated me from a world that’s the reality. Am I becoming incompetent? Or is the reduction of the population of the world pressing me? But that’s not a concern.
I was walking back after my tea. All alone. Being alone I like. Or liked. Or like. Or liked. Whatever, at that point in time, I liked. I realise, being possessive is of no use. But my conscious memory doesn’t allow me to point at what I am so possessed with. Drive is so nice in life. There weren’t many days when I had felt hopeless or at least restless about what I am doing. I felt it one day. I felt it the whole day. But then I was driven back again the next day. Am I being controlled, is no one’s guess. But, can’t I be motivated by anything else? What drives me one day doesn’t drive me on another day. But one thing drives me always. But my conscious memory doesn’t allow me to point that. The shame in accepting it is the loss of individuality. Yes, it is. But that is not a concern.
I was termed as a reformer by that enneagram test. But I am constrained. That made me down to an artist. I beg to my God to not make me like being an artist at all. And so I reverted back to a reformer. But I am constrained.
So I removed the constraint. But that is a concern.
I was writing this blog. I am immobilised on the realisation that I am possessive. But then, I had been possessive earlier given a even larger world. Why is this possession controlling me? From now I will be swinging back and forth in time. An unexplained journey in time. I am sitting in front of my computer. I can’t digest the fact that he will come and inquire. I was brought up to be very sensitive to three very beautiful things, honesty, modesty & respect. It was my midterm in my corporate life. I respected him. He belittled me. I respected him, he belittled me. When I belittled him, he turned hostile. I can’t become hostile, for that was not for what I am. I turned back to my damn beautiful character (which is so safely overlooked by some decent gentlemen). It paid me nothing. Nor will hostility. The Mumbai streets were very long one day and short the other. And so were the roads to my room. A friend. So simple. But I did not like him. Now I love him. But I don’t like him. Maybe I ll love him in future. A strong integrity in a human being. The character put to test. What an awful experiment. I rebounded, but my three values put me down. I was not able to stand up again. But that’s a different world. Being egoistic is different. Individualistic is way different. I am not sure what I am. No one has called me the former. But the two people I am talking of touched a single point that broke me down. I won’t break sure. Because of my three values and add together the fourth, the joy of solitude. But I don’t like it. But I have a poor alternative. The reason is I am not an artist. People want me to be. But I am resisting. But that is a concern.
The very fact that I am resisting it all is a concern. I have known people’s intentions. The lack of understanding of altruism and the lack of refraining to be held in the trap of a few. So obsessed, monomaniac. Why is that I am comfortable with some and not with others. The problem is not the person I would say. It’s the circumstances. I have a neat friend. I would just like to remind that I am still drawing two parallel lines. What one line says is about one and the next about another. Demands by a few are unreasonable. The failure to satisfy is a reckoning. The success of such a move is a source of drive. How do we become humorous? By nature? I am sure it’s by choice. The lack of drive pushes. But it doesn’t push me. Ok. It pushes. But I resist easily. But the resistance is overlooked. Why do some choose to not look at the modest ones. Or why is humour so captivating? I was rated average. I won’t regret. I hope the appraiser wont. But the failure to view someone who is working silently is a shame in our development of humanity and social relationship. And that is happening. This and a few others are a motivation for me to bring in a different sort of enterprise. And that is a solution to concern.
Intelligence should come without any malignity. I hope this forms the next species on earth. And that’s a concern.
I have requested just two of my friends to read this. The dilemma to publish this is taxing. But after all, I am not going to inform anyone that I have updated my blog. And time cures many things. And that’s a concern.

PS: The publishing of this blog was not intentioned to coincide on new year's day.